oh. my. god.

I honestly don't even know where to begin with this. It reads:

Never curl up on the couch alone again, with this comforting arm that wraps around you as if to say, "I'm sorry work was rotten today," or "No, you pick what we watch tonight," all the stuff you'd never hear from a real boyfriend. Polyester filled with comfortable, snuggly foam. Imported. 26" x 27" Sorry, no rush delivery or giftbag available.

Um. WOW.
I think the comforting arm also says "go on and buy some more cats" and "you look so beautiful binge eating ice cream"